Dark Night of the Soul

Last night was a dark night of my soul

no more soul searching

as I had been doing all these years...

I found the deepest core of my pain

facing my self made prison

when I was lost somewhere between idealism and reality

I found myself only in reality

My avoidance and denial piercing the very core of me

made the pain even the more visceral

lacerating my heart

so open, vulnerable, and giving

yet I never withdraw my heart

I wear it on my sleeve

I always thought I was honorable

I question all that I am now

I should be used to this

this life conditioning

and suffering

to be the lovely vitality of a human being

requires this

in my striving for perfection

I saw my reflection in the mirror

and it was ugly

I have been ruled by fear

I was in utter denial

My new realization has me faltered

I am no saint

I was a supernovae

but now I'm just a woman

with a vacuous black hole in my heart

a pulsar periodically giving off light

knowledgeable yet ignorant

wise yet naive

at one with all that is

yet isolated and alone

I had given in to loneliness

and made a bad choice

one that has me reeling



how to live with virtue

when I feel the absence thereof

how to live with dignity

when I've torn apart my valor

How can I heal the world

when I myself live with gaping wounds?

I question all it is that I am

to re-equate my value and worth

to shed my dead surface

and heal my screaming underneath

my soul is torn and indeed I faced a dark night

today I am still in the dark night of my soul

my now is rich with pain

a part of me wishes to change my name

to move to Europe and start a new life

but I'm a mother

I cannot do that to my children

but every part of me wants to start over

can I sign a new lease?

can I trade in my life like a used car?

I rode on the crest of waves

and have fallen

momentarily held under water by a rip current

and now gasping for air on the beach

like I haven't breathed in forever

I want to keep my focus on the moon and stars

my night is not so dark that I cannot see the light

I don't want to be so lost in my anguish and agony

to lose sight of who I am

a human

fragile

and

broken


no one can save me

I am on this journey on my own

only god knows

what I'm worth

my self interest gave way to a deficit

I crawl into a cave

cold and shivering and naked

I've lost those garments

my security blanket is gone

and I cry like a baby

and the tears are unending

I've cried all night

and morning

no rest for the weary

my mind heart and soul

are vanquished

my idealism

summarily executed

I grasp at an unseen future

wanting to escape my now

there is no escaping

my self made prison

until I can dissolve the bars

I forged with the metals of my heart

I will lay in the hole I've dug

and carve out my own steps

back to the surface

I thought I was an eagle or a phoenix

but I am low and in my basest self...

I remain in turmoil

a scorpion

stinging

myself